Keeping tabs on your partner's ex is a universal experience. Even celebrities can relate: Olivia Rodrigo, Billie Eilish, and Fletcher have all written songs about stalking their partner's exes, with Rodrigo stating specifically she's "obsessed." (Honestly, relatable.)
It's more than good material for a catchy pop song, though: keeping up with your significant other's former flame is a common phenomenon, whether people admit it or not. "Curiosity about a partner's ex is quite normal, and social media provides a convenient way to satisfy this curiosity," relationship therapist Aliyah Moore says. While Instagram and TikTok don't always portray the most authentic side of someone's life, it does offer a glimpse of your lover's past.
But at what point does an obsession with a partner's ex (or in some cases, your ex's ex) become unhealthy? Moore explains below.
Why We Can't Resist the Lurk
social media has turned us all into amateur detectives. One minute you're scrolling through memes, the next you're three years deep in your partner's ex's vacation photos. The urge to peek isn't just about nosiness; it's human nature to seek context. "We're wired to want to understand the full picture of our relationships," Moore explains. "Knowing who came before us helps fill in gaps about our partner's emotional history."
But here's the kicker: that "context" is often a highlight reel. You're comparing your messy, real-life relationship to someone's curated sunset pics and #blessed captions. Moore warns that this distorted comparison game can mess with your head. "Social media stalking often leads to unfair self-judgment," she says. "You might fixate on their ex's seemingly perfect life while ignoring your own relationship's strengths."
When Curiosity Crosses Into Creep Territory
So how much lurking is too much? If you're checking their ex's profile once in a blue moon, no big deal. But if you've memorized their workout schedule or know their dog's name (despite never meeting them), it's time to reassess. Moore breaks down the red flags: "Frequent checking, emotional distress after viewing their posts, or using their ex as a benchmark for your relationship are signs you've crossed into unhealthy territory."
Another warning sign? If your stalking is driven by insecurity rather than harmless curiosity. "When you're constantly comparing yourself—whether it's looks, career success, or how often they posted with your partner—it becomes a self-sabotaging cycle," Moore says. Instead of seeking validation from a stranger's Instagram, focus on building confidence within your relationship.
Breaking the Stalking Cycle
If you realize you've gone too far down the rabbit hole, don't panic. First, cut yourself some slack—this is more common than you think. Next, Moore suggests a digital detox: mute or unfollow the ex's accounts to remove temptation. "Out of sight doesn’t always mean out of mind, but it reduces the impulse to check," she says.
For deeper issues, like jealousy or trust concerns, Moore recommends open communication with your partner. "Instead of obsessing over their past, talk about your present needs," she advises. If you're struggling to let go, therapy can help unpack why this ex lives rent-free in your head. Spoiler: It's usually about your own insecurities, not them.
Turning Obsession Into Growth
Here's a plot twist: your fixation could actually be a catalyst for self-improvement—if you channel it right. Instead of spiraling over their ex's yoga retreat pics, use that energy to reflect on your own goals. "Ask yourself what aspects of their life trigger you and why," Moore suggests. "Sometimes, what we envy in others points to unmet needs in ourselves."
At the end of the day, your relationship isn't defined by who came before you. As Moore puts it, "The healthiest relationships are built on trust in the present, not investigations into the past." So go ahead, close that incognito tab—your partner chose you for a reason.
And if you still catch yourself slipping? Just remember: even Olivia Rodrigo moved on from writing breakup songs. You can too.
