So you told a friend you had to leave her party early because of a big meeting in the morning, though in reality, you just couldn't wait to run home to binge "Bridgerton" on your couch. Or, you told a friendly sales associate your day was "great," when actually, it could have been better. Sure, these are lies. But since they're not hurting anyone, they're OK to tell . . . right? Experts say the answer is more complicated.
The Psychology Behind Why We Lie
It's important to understand why we're telling lies in the first place. Lying is often socially motivated, says Christian L. Hart, PhD, a psychologist and writer who researches lying and deception. "If we look at what most people lie about, most of the time it's to save face or avoid embarrassment," he explains. "It's really this concern that if people knew the truth about us, they would reject us or there'd be some unfavorable social consequences." And while some people do tell lies to cause harm, Hart says most lies aren't for "direct gain."
Think about it—how many times have you stretched the truth just to keep the peace? Maybe you told your coworker their new haircut looked amazing when, in reality, you weren’t feeling it. Or maybe you’ve nodded along in agreement during a conversation when you were actually zoning out. These little fibs grease the wheels of social interaction, making everyday exchanges smoother. But where’s the line between harmless and harmful?
When Is a Lie "OK"?
"Generally speaking, we know that lying isn't something that we want to make a habit of, because it can naturally lead to more negative consequences," Allen says. However, she does say there are times when a "white lie" or harmless lie is the kinder option. For example, telling a grieving friend that their loved one "is in a better place" might not be factually true for everyone, but it can offer comfort in a moment of pain.
Another scenario? When honesty would do more harm than good. Imagine your best friend asks if their new outfit makes them look heavier. If the truth would crush their confidence, a gentle "You look great!" might be the better route. The key, according to Allen, is intention. If the lie is meant to protect someone’s feelings without causing long-term damage, it might fall into the "socially acceptable" category.
The Slippery Slope of Small Lies
But here’s the catch—small lies can snowball. What starts as a tiny fib to avoid awkwardness can turn into a habit of bending the truth. Hart points out that frequent lying can erode trust, even if the lies seem insignificant. "Once someone catches you in a lie, even a small one, they start questioning everything you say," he explains. "That’s how relationships—whether friendships, romantic partnerships, or professional connections—start to unravel."
And let’s not forget the mental toll. Keeping track of lies can be exhausting. Ever told a white lie and then had to remember the details later to keep your story straight? That mental gymnastics adds unnecessary stress. Over time, that stress can chip away at your well-being, making honesty—even when it’s uncomfortable—the easier long-term play.
Radical Honesty: Is It Always the Answer?
Allen brings up an interesting perspective: radical honesty. "That is a part of radical honesty—accepting the fact that a lie is a lie," she says. But does that mean we should always tell the blunt truth, no matter the consequences? Not necessarily. Radical honesty is about self-awareness—recognizing when you’re lying and why, rather than pretending your fibs don’t count.
For example, if you’re constantly telling your partner you’re "fine" when you’re actually upset, that avoidance can build resentment. Radical honesty in this case would mean acknowledging your feelings and communicating them, even if it’s uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean you have to tell your aunt her casserole tastes like cardboard. There’s a balance between honesty and tact.
How to Navigate Truth and Lies in Everyday Life
So how do you strike that balance? First, ask yourself: What’s my motivation for lying? If it’s to spare someone’s feelings without major consequences, it might be justified. But if it’s to avoid accountability or manipulate a situation, that’s a red flag.
Second, consider the long-term effects. Will this lie create more problems down the road? If so, honesty—delivered with kindness—might be the better choice. And finally, practice self-reflection. The more aware you are of your own lying habits, the easier it becomes to make intentional choices about when to bend the truth and when to keep it real.
At the end of the day, lying is a part of human nature. But understanding why we do it—and when it’s truly harmless—can help us navigate relationships with more integrity and less guilt. So next time you’re tempted to fib, take a second to ask yourself: Is this lie serving me or someone else in a positive way? If the answer’s no, maybe it’s time to keep it honest.
