Moving in with your partner is supposed to be this magical milestone—the ultimate "we're serious" move. But somewhere between arguing over whose turn it is to take out the recycling and discovering they leave toothpaste globs in the sink like some kind of modern art installation, the spark can fizzle. Suddenly, you're not lovebirds nesting together; you're two people who happen to sleep in the same bed and occasionally high-five over successfully adulting. Welcome to the roommate phase, where passion goes to die and sweatpants become your relationship uniform.
Why Couples Become Roommates (And Not the Fun Kind)
too comfortable. You stop trying to impress each other because, hey, they’ve already seen you cry over a burnt grilled cheese. Date nights? Replaced by scrolling TikTok in silence while eating takeout. Sex? Now just another item on the to-do list, right between "fold laundry" and "remember to water the sad office plant." Moore explains that this shift often happens because couples mistake comfort for complacency. "When you stop dating your partner—literally and figuratively—you stop nurturing the romantic connection. You start operating like co-managers of a very boring LLC called ‘Our Life.’" And let’s be honest, no one signed up for a romance that feels like a business merger.
Breaking the Roommate Curse: Actionable Fixes
First, ditch the assumption that love should always feel like a rom-com montage. Long-term relationships have lulls, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a sexless, chore-filled existence. Here’s how to reboot the romance: 1. Schedule Sex (Yes, Really) Forget spontaneity—it’s overrated when you’re both exhausted from work. Moore suggests treating intimacy like a priority, not an afterthought. "Block time in your calendar if you have to. Think of it as a meeting with your partner where the agenda is ‘reconnect physically.’ No one cancels a meeting with their boss; don’t cancel on your relationship." 2. Rediscover Novelty Remember when you first dated and everything felt electric? Recreate that. Try a dance class, cook a recipe that’s way outside your comfort zone, or take a weekend road trip with no plan. "Novelty triggers dopamine, the same chemical that made you obsessed with each other in the beginning," Moore says. 3. Stop Merging Identities Just because you share a home doesn’t mean you need to share every hobby, friend group, or even toothpaste tube. Moore emphasizes, "Maintaining individuality keeps the mystery alive. If you’re attached at the hip 24/7, what’s left to discover?" Go out with friends separately, pursue different hobbies, and give each other space to miss one another.
When the Roommate Phase Is a Red Flag
Not every slump is fixable. If your partner dismisses your concerns ("We’re fine!") or refuses to put in effort, that’s not a phase—it’s a choice. Moore warns, "A one-sided relationship will always feel lonely, no matter how many shared bills you have." Pay attention to patterns: Are they emotionally checked out? Do they prioritize everything but the relationship? That’s when you need to ask: Is this a rough patch or a dead end?
The roommate phase isn’t a relationship death sentence. It’s a wake-up call—a sign that you’ve stopped nurturing the very thing that brought you together. But with effort (and maybe fewer sweatpants), you can turn roommates back into lovers. After all, the best relationships aren’t the ones that never struggle; they’re the ones that keep choosing each other, even when the spark needs a little reigniting.
