Thinking about sex with an ex? You're not alone—plenty of people revisit past flames for a variety of reasons, from nostalgia to unresolved chemistry. But before you slide into those DMs or hit send on that late-night text, there are some crucial things to consider. Experts weigh in on the emotional, psychological, and even logistical factors that should shape your decision.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Reconnecting with an ex physically can feel like reopening a door you thought was locked. Even if the breakup was mutual or amicable, sex complicates things. Dr. Sarah Johnson, a relationship therapist, explains that post-breakup intimacy often triggers old feelings—both good and bad. "Your brain associates that person with comfort, familiarity, and past emotional highs," she says. "But it can also resurface pain, resentment, or confusion about why things ended." If you're still healing, a physical reconnection might set you back emotionally, leaving you questioning whether you've truly moved on.
The "Just Sex" Myth
Many people convince themselves that sex with an ex can be purely physical—no strings attached. But experts warn that this is rarely the case. "Our brains aren't wired to separate sex and emotion cleanly, especially with someone we've had a deep connection with," says psychologist Mark Greene. Oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," floods your system during intimacy, making detachment harder than you might expect. Even if both parties agree it's casual, one person often ends up catching feelings again, leading to messy dynamics or even a second breakup.
The Power Dynamics at Play
Who initiated the breakup? Who’s reaching out now? These details matter. If one person was more invested in the relationship originally, revisiting intimacy can create an imbalance. "The person who was hurt before might subconsciously hope this time will be different," says dating coach Alicia Scott. "Meanwhile, the other might see it as a low-effort way to fulfill a physical need." Be honest about motives—yours and theirs. If there’s lingering resentment or manipulation, you’re better off avoiding the situation altogether.
The Practical Considerations
Beyond emotions, there are logistical factors to think about. Are you both single? If not, you’re venturing into ethically murky territory. Even if you are, consider how this will impact mutual friends, social circles, or future relationships. And let’s not forget sexual health—have you discussed STI testing since the breakup? Dr. Johnson emphasizes, "Assuming nothing has changed is risky. Always have the conversation, no matter how awkward it feels."
When It Might Work (and When It Won’t)
There are rare cases where rekindling physical intimacy with an ex leads to a healthier relationship—usually when both people have done significant personal growth and communicate openly about expectations. But more often, it’s a temporary fix that delays closure. If you’re considering it, ask yourself: Are you genuinely okay if this goes nowhere? Or are you secretly hoping it’ll lead to reconciliation? Your answer will likely reveal whether it’s worth the risk.
At the end of the day, sex with an ex isn’t inherently good or bad—it’s about context. If you proceed, go in with clear eyes, honest communication, and a solid exit strategy. Otherwise, you might end up replaying the same old patterns, just with a side of déjà vu.
